Some people have never been broken. They have never come to grips with the ugly truth of their own inadequacy. I'm not sure I've ever been whole... I mean, sure, I play the game; I look whole. I look by all outward appearances as if I have it together, but that's not me. That's just the image of me. That's what I let you see. The facade.
The real me is a mess. The real me weeps at how pathetic I really am. Maybe that's why I cry at so many sappy movies. Because I long for something real. I want desperately for the image to be reality. Who knows. I'm not sure that even makes sense. What I do know is that despite the external appearance (and even that isn't exactly 'cool'), the internal me is insecure, afraid and passionately fearful that someone will discover how much I struggle with pride, lust and swearing, not to mention a host of other dearly held sins. The internal me is messed up. Broken. Alone.
I hate being alone, but I am. And I don't mean alone like by myself in my office, but alone like in a crowd where no one knows me. I am alone. It is the price I pay for acceptance. I have many acquaintances, a handful of friends and peers, but brothers who love me so deeply I can bare my soul? None. Men to whom I can trust my darkest secrets? My deepest fears? The stuff that might cost me my credibility, my job, my family? Where are they?
And the irony is that I believe I stand alone in a crowd of brothers. Each one struggling with the same sense of isolation and fear that I am. Incomplete. Hoping desperately to be discovered and paralyzed by mind-crushing fear of that same occassion. We are the Brotherhood of Broken Men. We need one another, but are too wary to trust one another. We stand shoulder to shoulder, forever touching, yet never speaking Eye to eye, we see, yet do not understand. Do not know beyond the image that is portrayed. We sin together, quietly keeping fellowship at bay with an easy smile and a firm handshake. Broken we stan united, and you'll never know it because we'll never show it. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to break loose, to let the brotherhood come to an end, and allow the Spirit of God to reign free in my life. But not today.
